… forget technicolour, I see the world in aspievision…

Processing failure, possible reboot required…

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Can someone tell me how to process this all please?

  1. My Son has his final statement review next week before leaving school
  2. My Son finishes school next Thursday and is then doing GCSE’s from the following Tuesday and I have to remind him every 5 minutes to revise or he “forgets”
  3. I have to go to my Sons Leaving Ceremony on Thursday 9th May
  4. My Daughter has her first of five settling in sessions at Nursery next Tuesday before she starts full time on 20th May
  5. My partner starts working full time again on 20th May
  6. I have an assessment booked for 21st May by the Mental Health Team for AS
  7. I have a hairdressers appointment tonight
  8. Both my Son and I have Osteopath appointments next Wednesday
  9. I have an appointment on 7th June with a Consultant Orthopaedic Surgeon arranged by the company trying to claim damages for the Lorry driving into me on the motorway last November
  10. I am waiting for an appointment through to either have an MRI or see an Orthopaedic Consultant prior to having an MRI as my Osteopath referred me to my GP who has referred me for an MRI to see if the numbness and decreased reflexes on my left side plus increased Migraines has a muscular or skeletal cause which has been made worse since the bloody lorry drove into me
  11. At work I have to get everything up to date as of… Yesterday?… As the MD has me project managing the implementation, including all work flow rules, of a completely new system and training of users and apparently I need to be a “Super User”
  12. I need to send My Sons Statement and Young Persons Transition Plan to both Colleges that have offered him places and arrange to met with the SENCO at the College we haven’t had a meeting with yet
  13. I need to worry about Money and how we are going to pay for the Nursery each month

On top of all that whirling around in my head I need to do the ASDA order tonight and function through “normal” daily tasks while staying “connected” with my family rather than withdrawing and possibly being found under a desk hugging my knees while rocking back and forth!

I know I’m struggling to process; the fact that all food appears to be poisonous to me and results in daily throwing up and I have been unable to manage most meat for several months now is always the first clue!

In the last few months the difference between how my partner and I “process” and deal with the never-ending demands of life and parenthood has become increasingly apparent. My partner becomes hectic trying to run around and do everything and be everything to everyone while becoming ever more vocal on how tired he is, or stressed, or how much he needs a break. In stark contrast I have become quieter, to the point my partner says I don’t tell him anything and we don’t talk anymore, internalising everything, plodding on through the endless lists with each step seeming harder to take than the last while physically I become sicker and sicker.

Anyone who is diagnosed or believes they are on the spectrum will know some days are harder than others and sometimes the days become weeks and the weeks become months.

When did I reach the point where I have to remind myself to make eye contact with my 15 month old daughter?

It’s become a tick list, remember to smile at her, make eye contact, don’t leave without giving her a hug, talk to her in a voice that’s becoming increasingly like that of a presenter off CBeebies as you don’t feel like saying anything at all! Reminding myself all the time that I will get through this and when I come out the other side I don’t want to realise that she has felt my distance, lost her connection with me, that I have failed her!

With my Son it was easier; he needed downtime himself so when I felt like this there was a break, enforced by his need for time away from the human race! But even so there was a particularly challenging period when he was about 6 years old, when I become so distant he noticed but said nothing. Nothing until I got through it and then, as I started to feel and connect again with the world, in floods of confused tears he told me how let down and abandoned by me he felt! I had failed him then and I have tried in every way to never let that happen again no matter how much I am struggling.

I cannot allow this to happen, I will not let my Daughter feel abandoned by me nor will I let my Son go through it again!

So let me repeat the question, can someone tell me how to process this all please?


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