… forget technicolour, I see the world in aspievision…

… I’m in here somewhere…

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What a strange sensation! Not that anyone has read my blog (I have checked my stats and so far I’m safe!) but still, all night I was aware there was a part of me “out there”! It was uncomfortable, I resisted the urge to get out of bed and delete the post several times…

Years of building a persona, fabricating an “acceptable” exterior, developing different facets of my personality to fit all occasions, Becky the fun-loving drinker, Becky the compassionate friend, Becky the productive worker, Becky the pushy mother of an ASD child, Becky the diplomat and many more… What if someone I knew were to read this? Would they feel their friendship with me was false because the person they know is one of these characters? I hope not, maybe if they knew how much effort went into building and developing these different elements over the years so I could “fit in” they would understand how important the friendships I do manage to nurture are to me! Do their other, more socially ept friends, that don’t have to put any effort in value them as much as me?

I have at least excelled in one thing, my son has none of these hang ups, he is just himself! That’s not to say that I haven’t schooled him in what’s socially inappropraite, but he knows and accepts all his quirks and expects others to either do the same or he dismisses him as surplus to requirements! It is so wonderful to see and perhaps has been instrumental in making me re-access my own social interactions. Should I really be so hung up on appearing to be what others expect? I certainly know that when I wander into uncharted social territory it’s terrifying! Knowing my social scripts have run out, mentally sifting through possible responses before rejecting them and scanning again, all the time aware that the time lapse between the other persons monolague and my anticipated reply is growing ever longer, the seconds reverbarating through my brain as they tick past in stark contrast to the outward silence waiting for me to fill it! I am almost breaking into a sweat just visualising it and can confirm when it happens I most certainly do! That and tingle throughout every fibre of my being in agitation, I can physically feel it like a billion tiny pulses in spasm…

… Not that all those elements aren’t part of me but I’m starting to wonder where the scripts stop and I start, so many years of conditioning myself to NOT react on impulse, I’m not sure I’d know a natural response if it walked up and slapped me in the face.

All that sub-conscious processing that occurs, I’m so tired, I just want it to stop! What happened to the joy of running my hand over the surface of a wall, to feel the texture or smoothness, the coolness, the unexplainable feeling of how right it was to connect with this inanimate object, what happened to not caring what people thought if they saw me doing this? Is it strange that I feel all these years of conditoning have cut me off from seeing and exploring the world around me in beautiful aspievision?

Oh and on another note, seeing as we’re talking about vision, my optician has instructed me to wear my glasses at all times so my eyes stop trying to focus as I need a stronger prescription that they won’t currently accept… It’s been several weeks and I just can’t get used to the sensation of them on my face! They are making me hyper sensitive to my hair, in particular my fringe on my forehead and the straggly bits that escape on my neck, the texture of my clothes, the itches on my skin (which seems to be in a perpetual state of “crawling”)…

… I’m in here somewhere…


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